Fiction

Distance

Sometimes I only put deodorant in one armpit. That way, when I’m around people, if I don’t like someone, I can always keep them on my smelly side. After a while they go away. If they don’t, because they’re overly polite, or have a poor sense of smell, then I’ll become really friendly and put my arm around them, like we’re great buddies. That usually does it. Even the stubborn ones can’t bear it. Occasionally, I need to try even harder. One time at a party, there was a guy who wouldn’t budge, so I went into the kitchen, ate a whole raw onion, came back, and laughed maniacally in his face at everything he said, even if it wasn’t funny. A couple of times, little bits of onion and spittle hit him in the face. It took ten minutes, but he finally left. I felt better.